An honest update on how January 2019 has panned out. I had such high hopes at the start of the month but it has not quite gone to plan.
My head is in a total mess at the moment. I’ll be honest that I am not in the great place I was hoping for at the start of January when I wrote my previous post (The start of a new year – A time for reflection or just another day?)
As the month has gone on, I have felt this fog descending and I have fallen head first in to a huge funk!! Life has become disheartening, frustrating and it feels like I am wading through treacle. Every day I wake up hoping that I might feel better, the fog will have lifted and each day will feel a bit easier. But so far that hasn’t really been the case. I do try most mornings to be more positive, but invariably by the end of the day I have been ground back down. It almost feels like I have no control, I want to stop this feeling, I want to come out of the funk but I just don’t seem to be able to do it at the moment. But it’s not making me a very nice person, I am not behaving the way I want, I’m not parenting the way I want and overall our family life is suffering. I need this to stop and I need it to stop now – but I don’t know where to start!!
I have some idea what is fuelling the funk but no idea how to work a way forward. The things that are triggering this feeling do not seem to be easily fixed. I don’t know what I want in all honesty, and anything I do want has constraints and limitations wrapped around it. But deep down there is a bubbling pot of aspiration, longing and desire. There are things I want to do and they do give me energy. But it feels like that is buried under hard layers that it can’t penetrate. Its like there is a bustling buzzing energy laden down by a wet blanket of misery, indecisiveness and lethargy. A need and desire to do something but no clue what to do or where to start!! The constant internal conflict between want to be productive, not knowing what to produce and despair over failure to produce anything.
I am suffering from a lack of drive due to a lack of direction. I need to find myself a life sat nav, put in the destination post code and see which route comes up as the quickest. If only such a thing existed!!
But until such time as that dream technology is designed, I shall have to navigate through the old fashioned way – some kind of map and blind faith.
At this point I will add the disclaimer that I am fully aware there are people in the world with far greater problems than this. But this is my problem and it is within the scope of my life and currently impacting on it more than I would like. So whilst it would pale in significance to others fights, it is relevant to me and my struggle.
I feel huge amounts of resentment building up
inside of me, I am fighting this constant battle between wanting to do more
with my life but being stuck in a job that I don’t enjoy that takes up my time
that I could be using towards something more stimulating and exciting. But
needing to stay in that job to earn money because stimulating and exciting
won’t pay me a monthly amount from the get go. So in turn I feel resentful of
the children, because when I am not at work I am with them. They also take up
my time that I could be using elsewhere and they also don’t earn me anything.
But I don’t want to feel resentful, I want to enjoy my time with them and not feel
pressure to do other stuff – not just life goals but all the other regular life
stuff like cleaning and cooking. Stuff I could be doing if I didn’t have to
dedicate my time to the unstimulating, joy draining job whilst they are at
school. That leaves my Fridays, which are job and child free but which I
mentally cram a million things in to and achieve, at best 5 of them. Leaving me
feeling frustrated. So I look at how many of those other things could be done
outside of my Friday therefore reducing my to do list. So I try to shoehorn
them in to my family life or work life and then feel resentful of the job or
the family stopping me from achieving anything on that list.
I am in a toxic cycle, and I haven’t a clue how to get off. Do I leave my job? Well I already did that once and it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be! what if I get another one but that isn’t any good either? I don’t want to be a serial job leaver. What if the problem isn’t the job? What if the problem is me? What if I am incapable of being happy? How do I solve that problem?
Do I stop wanting to do all the other stuff? So I just focus on work and my family? After all when the family is grown up then I can pick things back up? Truth is that would be the easiest option, give up my goals and aspirations for now because I am being pulled too many ways again. But selfishly I don’t think that is enough for me, I feel like I have so much more to give than I am. I don’t know what exactly and I definitely don’t know how but I think to give that up would crush my soul. It could do more damage than good. After all I am still a person, not just a mum and not just an employee, and I can’t let that go!
I am lucky to have a supporting husband, who would help me and support me to make changes. After all he did once before, but we both thought these changes would make things better and they have in so many ways. The childcare stress has significantly reduced. I like that I don’t have to worry about covering the school holidays. But there are limitations to the support that he can offer. His job is very demanding, we rely on it for financial survival. My salary in comparison is a drop in the ocean, although it would be noticeably missed. His job has zero flexibility in terms of helping out with childcare Monday – Friday 9-5. He is around sometimes but that is sporadic, unexpected and unreliable. Any changes I made would have to factor in the care of two children. Whether it be me or wrap around care. But wrap around care for two kids on a smallish salary seems frivolous. Jobs with more responsibility that will offer more stimulation seem to need to be done over more hours and I could end up back in a non-family friendly environment desperately paddling to keep up with everyone else and being stressed as a result. Jobs that fit round my children that I could walk in to now don’t seem to offer me what I need for me.
I’m not sure what the answer is at the moment, I don’t know how to solve this problem. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away so that on a day to day basis I can feel happier and healthier. I would love to go back to my counsellor to thrash this out, but counselling whilst worth its weight in gold does not come cheap. So for now I am going to have to continue to plod along as I am, taking steps to try and improve things where I can. I feel lucky to have the insight that I do, that I can see what the problem is and I can recognise the symptoms that there is something wrong. I may not have the tools yet to tap in and solve the problem, but from the outside looking in I know there is something going on. Two years ago, when I felt this way I just carried on plodding and pretending it was all ok. I genuinely believed that these feelings were part and parcel of my life and I just needed to get on with it. I now know that not to be the case so I can tangibly see the progress I have made. That in itself is hugely reassuring and if I can make that kind of progress from my darkest times, then I am sure I can climb out of this pit of misery and sort myself out.
I am just going to have to do it slowly and methodically, giving myself the time and compassion required to work this through. There won’t be a quick fix, I don’t have my life sat nav yet. I just need to keep reminding myself that this too will pass. I’m all about the big picture thinking, and I will get to the big picture eventually by whatever means necessary. The path travelled may not be the straightest or the most direct, but it will be worthwhile and filled with life lessons along the way. I’m sure of it.
But in the meantime, I may go and patent the life sat nav, who knows that could be my answer to everything!!