Over the past few years I have noticed that I am becoming progressively less tolerant of noise. I am becoming the annoying old battleaxe always telling people (namely my kids and dog) to be quiet and calm down.
Its important at this point to note that at the time of writing this blog I was sat in a kids dance class listening to the baby shark song!! Never have I wanted silence so badly and I cant think what inspired this particular blog!!
I think the need for silence, or just quiet, is a direct result of the anxiety and mental health problems that I have been experiencing for the last few years. My reasoning behind this is that my head feels so full all the time. Full of all the things I have to do, full of all the things that are
worrying me, full of demands and full of anxiety. Consequently, there isn’t space for anything else so I can’t handle the additional noise and the demands.
I spend a lot of time dreaming of peace and quiet and silence, longing for solitude in my house to walk around without the shouting, screaming, stropping and general crazy.
Since my youngest started at school I am now blessed with one whole day, or one whole set of 6 hours, a week with no children and no work. Its fab!!
Well you’d think it was, certainly after reading what I have just written you would expect that I lived for these 6 hours a week. Except, there is a flaw in the plan – I hate being on my own!! That’s right, I simultaneously want silence and solitude but I can’t bear being on my own.
It’s something I have never been very good at, when I was younger I spent a lot of time on my own. I went to school far away from where I lived so none of my friends were local, my brother had friends nearby so he was often with them and my parents were with each other. I would spend large amounts of time on my own and I felt deeply and terribly lonely. Friendships have always been a struggle for me because I never valued myself very highly and struggled with confidence from a very young age. If you don’t think you are worth anything or have much to offer then it is very difficult to see why anyone would want to be your friend. This then acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy and I must have given off a vibe that meant I never made the connections with people that I desperately craved.
Luckily for me though I met a wonderful man at school and made a deep connection with him. It took a few more years but eventually we ended up together and have been so for the last 14 years. Since then I have never felt alone again and he offers me so much support and love, I don’t like to be away from him and he brings me a great deal of comfort.
The other issue with being alone is that it gives my thoughts and feelings the opportunity to break through in to my consciousness which can always be risky. I have undergone counselling in the last year and worked through a lot but I reached a point where I drew a line under certain things and decided not to progress with resolving them in my head. Whether that was a clever choice is debateable but it is nonetheless what I chose to do, and for me I am still keen to keep them at bay until the time is right. Therefore, I am wary that when I am alone and not distracted that this may be the prime opportunity for those persistent negative thoughts to creep in against my will.
Consequently, I prefer to keep busy or be with people where possible but that in turn comes with its challenges. When I am struggling with anxiety I can find being with people exhausting and I have to limit what social events I attend. Like I said, there is no pleasing me!
So, in short, my perfect scenario would be having my husband (and possibly my children) with me at all times, but not getting in my way, not making too much noise, not placing too many demands on me, not making any mess, engaging in conversation when I want to and keeping quiet when I don’t but providing enough of a distraction to stop any unwelcome thoughts creeping in. That’s not too much to ask is it?!?!?!