A letter to my daughter…

As we lie here on your bed with your back turned to me because I have upset you, please know that I am here and I will always be here for you. Even when you do things that I don’t like and you behave in ways I wish you didn’t, I love you with every inch of my being and I will love you until I am no more.
You and your brother are all I have ever wanted for my life. My dream has always been to be a mother and nothing made me happier than when I had my first (and then subsequent second) positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t have wanted you both more. But my goodness, nobody can ever really prepare you for the job of motherhood. It is by far the most challenging thing I have ever done. The most rewarding also but by far the most difficult.
Like so many, I had expectations for what parenting would be like and what my children would grow to become. But like so many other areas of my life, the expectations were far too high and my critical side has always been quick to attack my parenting style. I feel I am not and never will be good enough. I often feel you deserve better but please know that I do my best each and every day.
Please also know that I am working very hard at addressing my insecurities and learning to love myself more. We both deserve that, we both deserve better. You (and your brother) have been my driving force to heal and become a better version of myself. My wish for you is that you become a strong, confident, kind, honourable, loving, young lady with bags of self esteem and a large heart. I must show you how to be all of those things therefore I must be all of those things. That is my obligation and my promise to you. As many will attest, I do not give up on a challenge and I see things through to the end. I have now made that promise in writing so there is no going back.
We haven’t always had the easiest of times, you have been by my side throughout numerous battles with mental health issues, both my own and those of our loved ones. I have tried to shield you from as much as possible but it is inevitable that you have been exposed to some of the stresses and strains that have come with dealing with mental illness. In a perfect world, this wouldn’t have been the case and you would have been beautifully protected in a bubble but alas life is not like that. Instead we must take our experiences and turn them in to something positive. Given that I am an adult and you are still a child, I will burden that responsibility until you are old enough for me to share my learning.
But in return I hope that you can take all that I am able to give you and all that you are and combine the two to become one truly awesome amazing and empowering woman. You don’t realise it yet but you have so much potential – you could literally be anything you want (except maybe queen but that’s not a definite no no). It is my hope that we can guide you in whatever direction you want to take and support you to become the best you can be. I hope that you will not struggle in the same way that I have, with feelings of inferiority, crushing self doubt, very little confidence and next to no self-esteem. I will do all that I can to stop that from happening.
But don’t ever underestimate the power you have. Take it and turn it in to something powerful and strong. Don’t ever use it to belittle or undermine someone else. It may not feel like it, but you could have the power to knock someone down to a place from which they will not rise. To use a quote which has been circulating social media of late – if you can be anything in this world just be kind.
I do not know what our future will hold, I do not know what the path looks like but I know that I will be with you every step of the way. I will guide you down the path and try to share my knowledge with you. We will battle the lows and rejoice in the highs. I will be the beacon of light that you need to keep you moving forward. That is quite the job role so I had best start working on my necessary skill set! But before I do I just want to say that as long as we are true to ourselves and have love by our side we can overcome anything together. That is my promise to you xx

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